Exams finally over and i believe i completely flunk the most important one. The practical exam today. I have good reasons to believe that it is highly possible that i will get a re-test notification next monday. Anything 60 and below will get it. I am so getting a 60 for my stupidity.
The first piece was okay, there's mistake but because it was kinda horrible in my opinion, like it wasn't just one note but a series of them, the whole thing already shifted away down the keys (donno how to describe in a non musical way), it's hard to just gloss over, but went back to play again. This will cost me. Replaying is suicidal in music exam. Especially when I already know that one of the examiners, who happens to be one of my sensei in a lecture, hates it when people replay. But it just happened. OMGGGGGGG why did i even do something so stupid.
The second piece was the one i want to stab myself multiple times. I practised until nice nice, perfect, i had more confidence in this piece than the other two and yet it failed me in the end. In the starting chord, I thought the sound was kinda off. The low E flat was correct, just that it didn't sound right. Like untuned. And i played the chord THRICE just to make sure i'm playing/hearing correctly; and i did that without thinking. Like it was an instinctive move. Almost wanted to sound out to the examiners that the key was odd sounding…… In retrospect, maybe I should have. Maybe it won't have looked like i'm replaying because I played wrongly. And right in the middle of that piece, my mind suddenly went blank completely. Total emptiness as if someone suddenly yanked my brains out. I fumbled, trying to bring the melody back but i just could find my notes. After a whole load of shitty sounds that everybody knows i'm playing wrongly, I had no choice but to start almost all over again. And all these, I had to do with a straight face. I really wanted to even look panic because i was so scared. Shittiest moment.
The third piece, ironically, was the most exhausting technically, but yet I did not suffer drastically. There were a few slips here and there but the energy level just wasn't there anymore, after what happened in the previous piece. it thus could be said was a failure musically. I dont think it even entertained anyone a bit in the room. I just wanted to finish it fast and be gone in a poof.
One of my classmate was.. i donno… He said well done. Not sure if he was genuinely trying to make me feel better or just plain wood :(
That sensei i mentioned above didnt even make any eye contact with me after that. I think she was embarrassed. OK she did, at the end when we left the room, but it was more of a shifty eye look + apologetic smile that seemed to be saying i'm sorry but i gotta grade you rather low because YOU STOPPED AND REPLAYED AND YOU KNOW I HATE THAT. I am so traumatised that I really want to leave and die. Having other people other than examiners listen to our playing is bad enough. But having to sit through the rest of the class listening to other people play after my lousy turn just feel so argh. Worse part was, the most exalted sensei happened to sit in for the exam and i feel like i had failed his expectation because he always go tell people, teachers and students, how good i am blah blah when i went for audition last year. Then those classmates now had some unrealistic image of me being good which puts a lot of pressure.. until they heard me today.
Well, right now I'm upset about getting a possible re-test. Am utterly disappointed with myself. One, it just proves what I have been saying all the time is true: I can never remember music well. Memorising will always be the death of me. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps. I gave myself a chance to memorise and this disaster happened. I just can't help it. Two, regarding the possible re-test. Even if it happens, it's just a re-test. Right?! Riiiight??? I'm trying to look at it more positively. Not like my life depends on it or like it's the end of the world haha -_-
Gonna go play some games to keep my mind occupied. If it comes it comes.