次の段階へ。

edit: received 3 more photos from senpai!






Spot who's the Japanese, Korean and Singaporean.



これで4クオーターが一段落ついたけど、まだ気を抜けない…。後もう少しで春休みだ！
で、今回には日本語で書き込ませていただく（笑）
自分の感想を忘れないようにちゃんと語りたいな、と。ずっと先の笑い種にも。
でもできるだけあまり人に読んでほしくなくて…。
耳の痛い話しをするなんだからさ。どんだけ悲惨か知られたくない。
だけど、読めればそれでいいよな。

さて、本題に入ろうか。悔しいけど自分のミスを笑いたくなる。
楽屋に戻ったら、ベースの澤田さんがアバンギャルドに聞こえてたってニコっとコメントした。
何がアバンギャルドだよぉ。。(￣ω￣|||)
しかも危機一髪のところに（大げさに言うね）アタマに戻ったのも褒めてくれた。
その褒めてくれるのが不思議。
だって、その瞬間にアタマしか覚えられなくてよ。
別にトリオの技法なんじゃないよ。ワロタっ
ベース今何コードをひいてるかこっち必死に合わせようとしても合わせられないし（号泣）

当時の状況はあまりにも悲惨で苦笑いをするしかなかった。
だからアバンギャルド(!)のわけだよ。
審査官の先生たちも気付いたのだろうか。
最後お辞儀するときに瀬川先生が僕に向かってほほ笑んだとの記憶があるけど。
まあいいや、それより今度の課題として、止まらずに通したほうがましだ、、、と思う。

それに、ピアノ科のパクさんと楽屋でちょこっとおしゃべりしてて、なんだあ、上がり症なんだ。
いっしょだあ ^^;
でもパクさんは僕と違って、本番ではぎりぎり。
頭の中が真っ白になって何にも思い出せなくなる、これは最悪ぅ！
ほんとうに悔しく思うのは……
この３ヶ月以来の練習はこうやって台無しになっちゃったということああ゙〜あ゙ T3T
悔しい悔しい悔しい　マジ即死したい。

やっぱ二人とも辞めようか。帰った方がいいだろうと、パクさんと冗談半分で話しを続けた。
どうせ才能ないし。でも中途半端で諦めて帰る、なんか、カッコ悪くない？
プロになる日までまだまだだよね。。。。
一緒にしゃべり合うと何となく気が楽になった。１人じゃないと分かってきた。

ちなみに、先週先生に「もし途中止まったら"現代音楽だから"などの下手な言い訳をでっち上げるよ」
とふざけるように言ったけど、ほんとうに実現して現代音楽になってしまったorz　
迷信だと言われるかも、だが今度はこういう冗談一切しない！！！
うん、今アバンギャルドのコメントを思えば、不意に吹き出しそう。。。

大失敗

Exams finally over and i believe i completely flunk the most important one. The practical exam today. I have good reasons to believe that it is highly possible that i will get a re-test notification next monday. Anything 60 and below will get it. I am so getting a 60 for my stupidity.

The first piece was okay, there's mistake but because it was kinda horrible in my opinion, like it wasn't just one note but a series of them, the whole thing already shifted away down the keys (donno how to describe in a non musical way), it's hard to just gloss over, but went back to play again. This will cost me. Replaying is suicidal in music exam. Especially when I already know that one of the examiners, who happens to be one of my sensei in a lecture, hates it when people replay. But it just happened. OMGGGGGGG why did i even do something so stupid.

The second piece was the one i want to stab myself multiple times. I practised until nice nice, perfect, i had more confidence in this piece than the other two and yet it failed me in the end. In the starting chord, I thought the sound was kinda off. The low E flat was correct, just that it didn't sound right. Like untuned. And i played the chord THRICE just to make sure i'm playing/hearing correctly; and i did that without thinking. Like it was an instinctive move. Almost wanted to sound out to the examiners that the key was odd sounding…… In retrospect, maybe I should have. Maybe it won't have looked like i'm replaying because I played wrongly. And right in the middle of that piece, my mind suddenly went blank completely. Total emptiness as if someone suddenly yanked my brains out. I fumbled, trying to bring the melody back but i just could find my notes. After a whole load of shitty sounds that everybody knows i'm playing wrongly, I had no choice but to start almost all over again. And all these, I had to do with a straight face. I really wanted to even look panic because i was so scared. Shittiest moment.

The third piece, ironically, was the most exhausting technically, but yet I did not suffer drastically. There were a few slips here and there but the energy level just wasn't there anymore, after what happened in the previous piece. it thus could be said was a failure musically. I dont think it even entertained anyone a bit in the room. I just wanted to finish it fast and be gone in a poof.

One of my classmate was.. i donno… He said well done. Not sure if he was genuinely trying to make me feel better or just plain wood :(

That sensei i mentioned above didnt even make any eye contact with me after that. I think she was embarrassed. OK she did, at the end when we left the room, but it was more of a shifty eye look + apologetic smile that seemed to be saying i'm sorry but i gotta grade you rather low because YOU STOPPED AND REPLAYED AND YOU KNOW I HATE THAT. I am so traumatised that I really want to leave and die. Having other people other than examiners listen to our playing is bad enough. But having to sit through the rest of the class listening to other people play after my lousy turn just feel so argh. Worse part was, the most exalted sensei happened to sit in for the exam and i feel like i had failed his expectation because he always go tell people, teachers and students, how good i am blah blah when i went for audition last year. Then those classmates now had some unrealistic image of me being good which puts a lot of pressure.. until they heard me today.

Well, right now I'm upset about getting a possible re-test. Am utterly disappointed with myself. One, it just proves what I have been saying all the time is true: I can never remember music well. Memorising will always be the death of me. Self-fulfilling prophecy? Perhaps. I gave myself a chance to memorise and this disaster happened. I just can't help it. Two, regarding the possible re-test. Even if it happens, it's just a re-test. Right?! Riiiight??? I'm trying to look at it more positively. Not like my life depends on it or like it's the end of the world haha -_-

Gonna go play some games to keep my mind occupied. If it comes it comes.

Results.

I got back my practical exam results and the general remarks from the panel of six examiners was that i understood the composer's direction and was able to reproduce it. Rhythm was good. The sound was clear and clean, especially the top notes. Delicate and gentle, the overall tone was rich and it left a good impression. Middle portion had a "full vibrancy/ring" (whaaat?) to it and that gave an unexpected harmony to the sounds. Good to have added a twist to it (err….)

What was bad was the pedalling had some cloudiness at some points. And not enough dynamics (HAHA. i know. this has always been my problem). I told my sensei that the examiners were too lenient. Marks too high. And too kind with their comments. How is it was interesting to hear an unexpected emphasis of (different) harmony supposed to be valid when i am playing classical. Not self composed or jazz where i can have freer control of interpretation. And she readily agreed that they were indeed too lenient lol.

But she was quick to say that playing delicately is really my "merit". So i guess the other time the comments i gathered from my classmates had some truth to it. We had to play our pieces plus other random music on different occasions during some other classes, my classmate said she thought i played really nice unlike her. (even though i had so many wrong notes and stumbling all over the place?) And another one (THE GIRL.. maybe will write about her next time) said i played like her Poland one-to-one teacher: smoothly and gently. Unlike hers. She asked me how i did it. I have no idea. Her score had URUSAI!! (IT'S TOO LOUD!!) written all over the notes lol. But i swear when i am playing, it sounds very loud -too loud- and not-nice-ish to my ears. And because it's THE GIRL, everything she says has to be taken with a pinch of salt.